My wife said to me "I wish you'd play with me like you do those video games"
So I falcon-punched her in the face.
------------
I'm getting pissed off with my new psychiatrist.
I'm sure he's only treating my paranoia for the money.
-----------
Walking in on your parents having sex is very distressing.
Although, your parents were more concerned that I had keys to their house.
-----------
My wife has been missing for two weeks now and people have started asking questions.
Mainly, "Why are you so happy?"
----------
My wife was fuming when I untagged myself from some pictures she put on Facebook.
"They where totally embarrassing though" I pleaded.
"Embarrassing?" my wife snapped.
"It was our fucking wedding day you bastard!"
---------
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
I'm Back!
More jokes are here! Sorry about not updating!
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Smartphone Jokes
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My smartphone got me into trouble yesterday. I was at my daughters
playgroup when one of the mums said: "What's that in your pocket?"
"I have a Desire." was probably not the best response.
Nor was showing them the RedTube app.
And my list of favourites.
"I have a Desire." was probably not the best response.
Nor was showing them the RedTube app.
And my list of favourites.
-------------
Got lost in the woods earlier.
Thank god I had my smartphone.
I would have been well bored waiting 11 hours for someone to walk past and find me without the internet.
Thank god I had my smartphone.
I would have been well bored waiting 11 hours for someone to walk past and find me without the internet.
--------------
From The Consumerist: "Smart Wallets Get Harder to Open As You Spend More
An MIT lab team has developed a series of wallets that physically react when you electronically spend. The wallet communicates with your bank via a bluetooth connection to your smartphone."
So it's kind of the opposite of a woman's legs, right?
An MIT lab team has developed a series of wallets that physically react when you electronically spend. The wallet communicates with your bank via a bluetooth connection to your smartphone."
So it's kind of the opposite of a woman's legs, right?
----------------
Thom Yorke told in an interview how his new smartphone keeps checking itself for viruses and malware.
He said it's a paranoid android.
He said it's a paranoid android.
---------------
On tonights Top Gear we take on our toughest challenge so far.....
We attempt to take a shit without using a Smartphone
We attempt to take a shit without using a Smartphone
Thursday, 3 May 2012
Dog Jokes
Sorry for the late post today guys not had a great day. Here they are:
Man to dog trainer: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."
Dog trainer: "That's OK, he is a Boxer."
Dog trainer: "That's OK, he is a Boxer."
A wife says to her husband
one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the
daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replies, "Well, lots of
dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to
any!"
Two
Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we
might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a
hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please,"
says one.
The vendor is too pleased
to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a
moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part...
did you get...?"
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on
her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to
fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking.
One said to the other..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."
One said to the other..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."
A man takes his Rottweiler
to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do
for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet
picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to
have to put him down." "What? Just because he is cross-eyed?" "No,
because he is really, really heavy."
Jokes Tommrow: Mother-In-Laws
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Women Jokes!
Here the are! These are in now way meant to be offensive, just funny!
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
-----------------
What do you do if your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen nagging at you?
Shorten the chain!
Shorten the chain!
----------------
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
----------------
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right -
is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."
When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
--------------
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of
the Catholic men tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh - My - God."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh - My - God."
-----------
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Men Jokes
The next update is here!!! Enjoy, no offence intended!
---------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.
One ... men will screw anything.
--------------
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
He eats beans for dinner.
--------------
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know .... it's never happened.
We don't know .... it's never happened.
--------------
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
-------------
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
E.T. phoned home.
You liked? The next update will (as always) be tomorrow at 12pm (noon) GMT time. Subject: Dogs! See you then!
Monday, 30 April 2012
Long Jokes
Todays Jokes: Long Jokes!
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has
become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver
feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving
down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls
over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong."I feel
terrible," ! he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,and
sprays the contents onto the rabbit.The rabbit jumps up waves its paw at
the two of them and hops off down the road.Ten feet away the rabbit
stops,turns around and waves again,he hops down the road another 10
feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and
repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The
man is astonished.He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that
can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around
so the man can read the label
It says..
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
It says..
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
----------------------
Two blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of
tracks. The first blonde said to the other "Those are dear tracks" the second blonde
replied "No those are bear tracks" In the midst of the
argument, the train came along and hit them both.
----------------------
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting '13......13.......13'.
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the fence, so I looked through it to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting' 14......14.......14!!!!!
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the fence, so I looked through it to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting' 14......14.......14!!!!!
---------------------
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that barbie in the window?"
Which barbie?" the clerk says.
"We have barbie goes to the gym, barbie goes nightclubbing, barbie goes to the ball,barbie goes shopping and barbie goes to the beach. Each for $19.95. And barbie gets divorced for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "why does Divorced barbie cost $265.00."
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house,Ken's car, Ken's Boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's money................"
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that barbie in the window?"
Which barbie?" the clerk says.
"We have barbie goes to the gym, barbie goes nightclubbing, barbie goes to the ball,barbie goes shopping and barbie goes to the beach. Each for $19.95. And barbie gets divorced for $265.00."
Ralph asks, "why does Divorced barbie cost $265.00."
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house,Ken's car, Ken's Boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's money................"
TOMORROWS JOKES: WOMEN
Sunday, 29 April 2012
The Idea
Everyday I will post 5 different funny jokes on a different subject!
Todays Jokes:
| Yo mama is so fat that her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does. |
| Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live. |
| Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each one of her farts. |
| Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell "taxi!" |
| Yo mama is so fat that she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose. |
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